Guilt
by Magical words from Muggle pens
Summary: Hermione has always held a secret, from everyone she knows. But nights of passion and fevered images are hard to erase. At the news of Draco's return, it's not so easy keeping skeletons away. ABANDONED.
1. Guilt

_Never regret anything because, at one time, it was what you wanted_

* * *

**Guilt**

Hermione Granger: respected and reknowned healer. It was an honor worthy of Head Girl, the smartest witch of her class and Harry Potter's 'sidekick.'

But she never felt that way. She had just finished reading the _Prophet_, which had detailed her latest marvel. True, because of her fame, the reporters exaggerated her actions. But her potion had produced remarkable results on a victim infected by a werewolf.

Remus had just owled her a congratulations and his gratitude, yet she simply couldn't shake off that image.

Of dark curls melting into gold silk.

She shuddered and perused the paper with doubled concentration. It had been nagging her since Ginny's visit to downtown London. She had calmly told of her encounter in the market and the Weasleys had shrugged it off. The war was over and he posed no threat anymore. After all, he had abandoned his allegiance to the Death Eaters long before.

They might have moved on and forgotten about it, but Hermione had remained rooted to the spot. Her pulse rapidly escalated into a near panic before she finally accepted the fact. _He's back._

He probably doesn't even remember me after all these years. After all, Hogwarts had never been as wonderful to him as it had been to her.

Who was she fooling? They had spent several nights together on that creaky little bed. He could have easily fucked his frustrations away the first night and left.

But it had been she he held in a frenzied fever. Her name that echoed in the dim light. _Oh_...He had groaned her name as if the sheer ecstasy in saying it would make him come too soon.

Hermione desperately shook her head clear off these thoughts. Those vivid nights had haunted her on numerous occassions. Mostly when the moisture pooling inside of her prevented sleep. But, always when silence was all she heard in her bedroom.

No creaks

gasps

or cries

She had never told anyone about those days. At the time, they had been too preoccupied with the large death toll. Confused and outraged Death Eaters had rampaged the grounds after the defeat of their Lord.

Until there was no one left, but corpses, she had fought. Somehow she had wandered into an abandoned cabin, disorientated from exhaustion. There was someone else from the Order with her, but he had fallen.

Death

It overwhelmed her so much; all the repressed grief and disgust swamped her into shock. That was how he found her.

* * *

"Granger?" 

She didn't respond, simply staring down at her bruised hands. Draco staggered into the shack and sank down on the bed. Her eyes momentarily flickered at him then resumed their glassy appearance.

He didn't care. He had spent the last hour dodging Death Eaters and Order members alike. Of course, Dumbledore wasn't alive to tell the Order to protect him. So much for the security he had promised him. Just like the old coot to go and die on him.

Laying back, he mutely stared at the ceiling. Someone told him that his father had died. That hadn't affected him very much since his arm had been ablaze. During Voldemort's final moments, his skin had practically boiled until the hideous snake disappeared.

He was jerked out of his musings, when he felt something jab his neck. Looking up, he saw that Hermione had come out of her stupor and was eyeing him warily. "What are you doing here?"

Too tired to give a damn, he replied nonchalantly. "Relax Granger. I just want some rest and we both know you're too smart to fall into any trap of mine"

Hermione's grip around her wand tentatively relaxed and she was confused by the compliment. "I didn't see you out there, weeping over the loss of your _master_"

Draco scowled. "He was never my master"

"Jus because the mark is gone, it doesn't erase your past"

He folded his hands behind his head. "Sure it does. Just like my aid to the Order was neatly erased with Dumbledore's death"

"_What_?" she cried, her voice hoarse.

He was lying. The sneaky bastard was just trying to confuse her into trusting him. But she distinctly remembered Dumbledore warning them about Death Eater attacks. She had been too worried about coming up with a defense plan to wonder how Dumbledore had known.

"It's true whether you believe it or not"

"You're bluffing," she said slowly, as if she weren't sure of the statement.

Draco shrugged. She hadn't blown him up into little pieces, so he was safe. After catching glimpses of her quick spells on the battlefield, he knew that she wouldn't hesitate to act. And after his pureblood attitude in Hogwarts, he would surely be at the top of her hitlist.

Hermione settled into one side of the bed, snug in the corner. His story was too convient and far-fetched to gain her trust. But for now, she didn't care.

* * *

**This was originally meant to be a one-shot but I decided to make it a 3-4 chap fic. I'm not sure how long it will be in the end. Hope you enjoy it!**


	2. Forget

_I'll never forget, nor will I ever forget you. But somethings are better off forgotten_

* * *

**Forget**

She found Ginny painting her toenails in her bedroom, wearing a green summer dress that complemented her hair. Ginny had always had a flair for fashion that Hermione could not find no matter how hard she tried. The redhead broke off her humming when she heard Hermione pop in.

"Hi!" she wriggled her toes and Hermione laughed.

"You always make me feel so dumpy," she said sitting down on the bed.

Ginny appraised her sweater and jeans. "Well I did offer to go on that shopping spree through-"

"-which I did _not_ want" She remembered begging for mercy after Ginny spent two hours looking for the perfect bedspread. What difference did it make if it was Egyptian cotton or _English_?

But she often wished she could find joy in picking out clothes and doing her hair. It was always a nuisance to her, a routine chore. Getting ready was ten times easier using her wand to beckon random clothes.

"I always thought that couples let go of themselves after marriage"

Ginny contemplated that for a second. "Well..I suppose I try harder because all Harry ever saw on me was those ugly defense robes during the War," she wrinkled her nose in disgust. "And now that we can have sex, it's much more fun having him taking lacy little things off"

"Ginny!" Hermione admonished. They lapsed into giggles. The youngest Weasley had not an ounce of innocence in her body.

Hermione shook her head amusedly and frowned. "What do you mean _now_ that you can have sex?"

"Oh well," she leaned in conspiratorilly. "Harry insisted that we--wait"

"He did?" Hermione's eyes widened with surprise, a pleasant one.

"I was furious at first" Undoubtedly. "It seemed like he was rejecting me. But then he said that he wanted to wait because our relationship was not a purely physical one. And that one day, when he could be sure that he knew all of me and that he could offer a future, then he would make love to me"

To Hermione's surprise, Ginny actually crimsoned. A small smile played on her lips, tilting it up at the memory.

"Did it work?"

Ginny nodded. "It had a huge impact on our relationship, the wait. Without all those nights spent talking about family, career and other inane things, I might not have known him as well.

"It doesn't take long to understand a person's body. But emotions are not as tangible"

Ginny laughed brightly, the conversation taking too serious of a turn for her liking. Hermione sat up straighter and laughed too, but it came out as just a breath.

Just a breath.

Touch.

That was the only way she had known Draco. Meaningless, no strings attached sex.

The familiar unease rose in her belly at the memory. While Ginny and Harry had waited to make love, she had jumped right into sex with someone she had loathed for most of her life.

But the hardest fact to accept was that along with the nauseousness came a feverish heat that overwhelmed all else.

"Apple?" Ginny offered. Hermione stared at it tentatively.

* * *

"_Apple_?" 

Hermione lifted her head to look at Draco who was holding out the fruit. She eyed it for a few seconds.

"Don't worry. The poison won't kick in for a few hours"

She scowled at him, but graciously took it. Until the first bite, she hadn't realized how long she had gone without food. It seemed as if she had been running on adrenaline than actual energy for the past week.

He remained in his lax state, munching on the fruit. For a second she thought that she might be delusional. Here was Draco Malfoy-sharing a dingy room with her and offering her food-without a smirk or scowl on his face.

On the other hand, Hermione's expression was as pensive as usual. Her mind was constantly running, analyzing a million thoughts. Right now, she was trying to determine if she was, perhaps dreaming.

"Is anyone alive?"

She looked up at him. His grey eyes had narrowed into cool focus. The awareness that her robes were hanging in tatters swept over her.

Tugging at the sides, she asked "Who? Ours or Yours?"

His eyebrow lifted at the distinction. "Either"

"There must be. If we did, others must have too. Maybe Harry or Ron.." she drifted off, worries afresh.

"Yes. The Golden Trio must survive; they're the best after all"

The sarcasm barely stung her. Instead, it gave her hope. They had escaped so much evil. What more could a horde of Death Eaters do?

"My father is dead. I heard my mother committed suicide." The wry smile would have come off as more pitiful if he hadn't delivered the news with an eery calm. It was the way she had stepped over the male corpse a few hours ago, emotionless.

Unsure as to what to say, she settled for "Sorry"

Draco turned that same smile toward her, now with a familiar smirk. He knew she was as sorry for the Malfoys' deaths as she was for Voldemort's. So he simply ignored it.

"I'm not ready to go out there are you?"

She looked fearful for a moment and slightly guilty. Her mind was still reeling from the images of death forever pressed into her memory. But what kind of friend was she to abandon Ron and Harry?

"Besides, we're no good to anyone in this state," he said softly. Almost as if he read her mind.

So she believed him, because she needed to. For once, she let her body reign over her conscience.

"Any ideas as to how we pass the time here?" She nearly cracked her neck with the speed she whirled around at him. Draco's blond wisps of hair were winking in the dimming light and so were his eyes.

"Sleep," she replied tightly.

He grinned, "Together? Sure"

Hermione glared at him. "No. Not together. Don't get any ideas because _nothing's_ going to happen"

If possible, his grin widened. "Why Granger...what a dirty mind you have! I was simply stating the obvious that there is just one bed for the two of us"

Hopefully her anger sufficiently concealed the flush creeping down her face. Judging by his lowering sight, it didn't. Huffing, she decided to go off to sleep and curse Malfoy to hell.

Apparently that seemed like an invitation to Draco because he threw away the apple core and stretched beside her. They laid on their sides to create more space. His intense gaze unnerved her, making it harder to fall asleep. She wanted nothing more than to detach herself from the situation. All she was here for was rest and safety. Beyond that she would firmly ignore him.

So Hermione lowered her eyes, willing sleep to come. Yet all she could only sense his movement. He raised his arm above his head, shifted his hips a little and crossed and uncrossed his legs.

Hermione huffed a little and mentally made a list of all the things she would do once back home. But that only increased her worries because her future was unclear. She huffed again, making a ticking sound in worry.

"One day you're going to break down under all that stress Granger"

He leaned over to kiss her cheek, which might have been planted under the guise of affection. But it was a blatant tease. Making a face at him, she turned onto her other side, away from him.


	3. Pain

_Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional_

* * *

**Pain**

She had barely closed her eyes before the nightmares began. They raced through her head in an endless loop of horrifying images: blank faces, bodies twitching from painful curses, and the screams - those were the hardest to forget. Hermione winced noticeably as the shrieks of a 10 year old Muggle child rang through her head.

Still very aware of the insufferable prat lying right next to her, she squeezed her eyes shut and willed herself not to break down in front of him. Any sign of vulnerability would probably induce hysterical laughter ... or worse, leave her vulnerable to attack. She had no illusions about him. No wise person would blindly trust a Malfoy - especially when he claims to be working for the Order. Nice try, ferret.

No, she definitely had no illusions that he was a liar and would attack her if necessary. That is why she clutched her wand inside her robes. She was still able to relax a little though. So far he had seemed ... tolerable. Whatever his intentions, he certainly never seemed to do much more than bully and tease her.

Hermione shifted and covertly eyed his languid form. One arm was thrown over his eyes, while his mouth opened and closed, emitting a deep rumbling snore. She bit her lip in irritation. What had she done to deserve his company? She wondered if she could take her dirty sock and stuff it into his mouth. If she was lucky, he would die and finally shut up. Tentatively, she nudged him - twice. He cleared his throat and shrank away from her, his arm now hanging limply at his side.

Her mouth grew dry at the mark on his arm. She had known of course, that he had taken Voldemort's mark, but seeing it was another thing altogether. It was now similar to a burn, black and pulsating. A serpent and skull were no longer visible. They had gone along with their creator.

Shit

Tears were rolling down her cheek, the floodgates opening at the sight of the faded mark. She wished she could sleep, see her friends - those that were alive, and most of all she wished she could get away from the memory of that gruesome sign.

What was she doing here?

Hermione shoved herself off the bed, her breaths coming in spurts as her panic attack escalated. Had she really entered such a catatonic state that she was sleeping in the same bed as _Malfoy_? She should be searching for others, helping them.

"...Granger?" his muffled voice came.

Shit

Shit

She was sitting on the floor, silently keening, as the walls shattered around her. She stuffed a bruised hand into her mouth to stifle the sobs. Malfoy's shadow passed over her, and she simply cried harder. She didn't know what to do. She had no idea. She had not a clue as to why she was still here with him when she should be out there helping others. All she wanted to do was hide away.

"Granger?"

He bent down and shook her hard, tilting her up by her jaw so her face was visible. His cold grey eyes appraised her without emotion, his hands careful to avoid the grimy tear streaks. He ran a hand through his hair and muttered several profanities as she began to shake violently.

"Merlin Granger, get a grip on yourself! Just get back on the bed and sleep - you're thinking too much, as usual." He tugged on her elbow. "Come on, Granger ... Granger," sigh, "Hermione?"

She leapt back from him. "No! I'm leaving - right now." Hermione scrambled to get up.

"Look-stop," he held up a cautionary hand. "I know what you've been through. I've been fighting out there for so many days, I think I'm going slowly insane. So just rest for a while - you need it. We both need it. And if you do go insane, I won't hesitate to slap you into your senses."

"_Pft_ .. you just want revenge for third year," she scoffed in between sniffles.

Draco smirked at her and she scowled back. Before she could ponder over the situation any more, he placed a gentle arm around her waist and guided her up to the bed. So weary was she that she didn't even care that her body was pressed into his side, leaning into him for support. What had the world come to? It wouldn't completely surprise her if he offered her a toffee and kissed her goodnight. Her lips twitched at that.

As he laid her into the bed, she closed her eyes and quietly whispered thanks. There was no sound for several moments, and she wearily wondered if he had run off into the woods .... possibly driven mad from touching a Mudblood. But there was a slow audible sigh, and then all was silent again.

BANG

Hermione sprang up instantly, her heart leaping into her throat.

Someone out there really detested her.

Malfoy was already standing, frantically peering out the window while she searched for her wand. Where was it? His pale long arm was clenched tightly, the veins popping out fiercely. Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but she never got there. A cold had settled into the room as the door flung open.

"Well, well Malfoy - looks like you aren't useless after all," a shrill familiar voice spoke. "If it isn't Potter's beloved Mudblood," said the voice.

And all was dark.

* * *

"Hermione!" Harry's voice rang out pleasantly. He grinned at her, enveloping her in a hug before allowing her to enter the foyer of Grimmauld Place. The floorboards creaked and groaned in various locations around the room. The dusty macabre house was the same as always. But there was something lighter, indescribably happier, now that the war was over. Loud and cheerful voices were filtering in and out of the various rooms.

Mrs. Weasley was yelling at the top of her lungs at Bill, who seemed to sporting a new piercing - on his tongue. Fleur was draped over his arm, waving her hand as if to shush her mother-in-law. That was the _wrong_ thing to do.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DO IN FRANCE. IN ENGLAND, PARENTS OF TWO DON'T SPORT GHASTLY PIERCINGS!"

Arthur Weasley, who had just entered with drinks in his hand, could be seen trying to surreptitiously sneak out of the room again. Kingsley grinned at him and let him pass after jokingly trying to alert Molly of her husband's escape. Hermione smiled at Mr. Weasley as he barreled into her, while hastily attempting to flee the room. "It's ok Mr. Weasley," she insisted after finding the drinks staining her robes.

She spotted the Weasley twins grinning and sheepishly waved at them. Hermione walked out of the crowded room and smiled at Luna, who was observing Mrs. Black's portrait dreamily, while the lady shrieked at the _insipid excuse of a witch_ to get out of her home.

"Oh hello Hermione," Luna cooed waspishly. "Have you met Greta the Gorbunkler?" she pointed at Mrs. Black.

"Er-who?"

"Greta the Gorbunkler. She is the leader of the Gorbunkler clan, who famously shriek cryptic messages to all those who are wise enough to listen. Can you make out what she's trying to tell me?" she asked her earnestly.

"Um, sorry .. I-I don't know," Hermione shrugged, trying to contain her laughter.

"Ehm," Harry cleared his throat, smiling as well. "Right, then.... Hermione, you're never going to guess who's here! Once you see his face, I swear, you're going to be laughing for days." His lips were twitching up as he seemed to recall a funny image, but then caught himself from laughing.

Hermione grinned at him. "Don't tell me Ron got his broom charmed to stick up you-know-where again?" she laughed.

"Sure you haven't gotten Weasel confused with yourself?"

Her back stiffened as if someone had poured freezing water straight down her shirt. She _knew_, she knew before she turned whose cold, drawling voice it was. Finding no way to run off without bumping into someone else, she wheeled around slowly to face the pale smirking face.

"Malfoy," she whispered.

* * *

"CRUCIO!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," she screamed, unseen knives digging into her skin - making her bleed inside. "No m- no more," she gasped, pleading with the devil.

Bellatrix Lestrange flipped her dark head back and cackled gleefully at the sight of the girl gasping on the cold floor. She twirled her wand in her hand as she sashayed around Hermione, pausing every once in a while to whisper the Cruciatus curse again. The girl's sobs were melodious to her ears.

"Pl-please," Hermione grabbed at her robes suddenly.

"GET OFF MUDBLOOD! How dare you? How dare you touch me!" she dragged Hermione up and slapped her across the face. "You and your pithy band of brave little Gryffindors thought you could vanquish the Dark Lord and get away with it? _Huh_? NEVER! Our lord will prevail!"

Tears slid down Hermione's face, and it almost seemed like a habit. It was a wonder her eyes hadn't run dry by now. She stayed still and the shocks from the last curse reverberated off her body like electric pulses. The force of the pain was so powerful that she didn't notice Bellatrix crouch down above her face until she spoke.

"Tsk tsk ... Potter's girl can't take a little pain?" she sneered down. Hermione prayed, and desperately hoped, that she would just inflict the pain and leave. "Look at me! _Ah_ ... such sweet brown eyes. Such a _pure_ little girl. Tell me, mudblood, did you like the feel of the Malfoy boy?"

Her eyes widened at that. Malfoy. They had thrown her into this chamber and tortured her to the point that she could barely remember her name, let alone think about him. Her confused expression caused Bellatrix to smile more widely.

"Don't worry - you will get the chance to sleep with a Pureblood very soon. I bet you're panting for it aren't you?"

Her stomach rolled dangerously.

Bellatrix tutted at her. "Imagine the poor, sad expression when Potter finds out you're no longer his innocent little girlfriend. Why, he might even be so enraged as to march right down here and rescue you himself. Although by the time Malfoy's done with you, even Potter won't be able to look you in the eye anymore."

Hermione let out a hitched breath, but only the darkness could hear it.

* * *

I'm back! I seem to have gone through a bout of fanfic mania & I was especially frustrated to find several stories abandoned after I'd finish reading 30-40 chapters. So I felt guilty (guilty, Guilt ...haha get it? .. no? ..ok). I'll try to avoid being horrifically late in finishing this.

Enjoy & Pls. review!

**M~**


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